Leaders Need Emotional Awareness
You know those AI receptionists that field calls for banks, hotels and postal services? They drive me bonkers. They sound real and respond professionally, but they never give me quite what I’m looking for.
An emotionless leader is the same: something is missing. The hard parts of leadership–building relationships or listening deeply to someone’s concerns—aren’t as easy as “pressing one for emotional support”.
It can feel like a moving target. Either we’re too emotional or not emotionally aware enough. It’s more frustrating than getting trapped in an endless loop talking with an AI receptionist that goes nowhere. Thankfully, we can learn how to do it better.
View Emotions As Information, Not As Problems
In our society, we have good emotions and bad emotions. It’s ok to be happy, excited and upbeat. In fact we need to be charismatic, put a plastic Barbie smile on and say everything is awesome. But, heaven forbid we are ever angry, discouraged or sad.
What if I told you that this wasn’t true?
Emotions aren’t good or bad. They are just information. Your emotions are like the check engine light on your car: they tell you that something is going on. But just like the light doesn’t say what’s actually wrong, you might need the equivalent of a code reader to decode what they mean.
Enjoyment tells you what gives you life.
Hurt shows you what is important to you.
Resentment lets you know that a boundary has been crossed.
Affection shows you what you care about.
Regret informs you if you’ve acted outside of your values.
For a more comprehensive list, check out this great article on Psychology Today
When we learn that our emotions are information, we can stop fighting the mental chatter and allow our emotions to show us how to be healthier. Leaders who are healthy and skilled at reading the coded messages in life can lead their teams more effectively.
Be Self-Aware, Not Self-Absorbed
When we think of self-awareness, it’s easy to picture a monk meditating on a mountain or a Kardashian-type diva whining about self-care. Neither of these quite cut it when it comes to leading a team. Though incomplete, the introspection of the monk and the diva’s quest for well-being can make us better leaders.
Maybe self-care in the form of a 10 minute walk to clear your head will help you be more present in your meetings
If emails cause anxiety, maybe you will be prompted to set up filters and rules for your inbox.
Maybe an imperfect day will be a little more acceptable if you are aware of your perfectionist tendencies.
Maybe paying attention to your self-talk and fears will prevent you from making excuses when receiving feedback.
Maybe being aware of your need for approval will give insight why you seem to always volunteer for extra projects.
As leaders our awareness (or lack of) influences others. When I worked at a summer camp, the director pointed out a camper who always sat alone playing with a few sticks instead of joining the games. So instead of playing dodgeball and having water fights, I sat in the dirt with this camper. I felt like I was missing out on the fun and was uncomfortable sitting in silence with him. Being aware of those feelings didn't mean I should just do what I found fun. It wasn’t about me, it was about making sure this kid was included.
Sometimes, those we lead aren’t aware of their own needs or emotions. It’s not like the camper went to the director and said, “Hey, Mr. Camp Director, I am lonely and sad, but I’m also scared to play with everyone else because they might make fun of me. Can you please have your staff play with me?”. As a good leader, our director was aware of those around him and their needs.
So instead of a monk blocking the rest of the world out, or a diva only caring about their needs, healthy leadership may look a little more ordinary.
Control Your Emotions, Don’t Be Controlled By Them
When we think about great leaders from history, we often don’t think of them as being emotional. We see their stresses, strategies, and success and then assume they must have been superhuman to deal with it all. As a young leader, I often compared myself to other leaders and thought that my feelings were proof that I was too emotional to be a leader. What we see in others may not be the full story, however.
Several leaders you may know: Abraham Lincoln, Dwight Eisenhower, or Ulysses S. Grant might appear at first glance to be rather emotionless in the face of struggle. But their journals and those who knew them demonstrate they were actually deeply in tune with themselves. Their surprising methods of balancing leadership and emotions can help us learn to be better leaders
After a general failed to execute plans properly, Abraham Lincoln was furious. He wrote a letter berating the general for the missed opportunity. The letter was unhinged and scathing, criticizing the general's inability to follow orders, lead troops, see the strategy and even the general’s character. If it had been current times, Lincoln’s response would have earned him a place on YouTube as an “angry Karen”. But YouTube wasn’t around, and Lincoln never delivered the letter.
At the time, it looked like this missed opportunity had cost them the war. But instead of either stewing about the issue or exploding in anger, Lincoln controlled his response. Writing the letter helped him clarify what he was feeling and why. Detailing the missed opportunity allowed him to grieve the cost of the mistakes. So, how can we lead like Lincoln and balance our emotions and control our responses?
Peel - Pull back the layers of your feelings to uncover your triggers and values.
Feel - Don’t stuff your emotions down. Acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself to feel them. They are just data points.
Deal - Process and respond in healthy, measured ways. Create space from the situation if you need to.
Leaders don’t need to be emotionless robots. Feeling a twinge of regret over a decision, a hint of sadness over a staff member leaving or frustration that your carefully thought-out plan didn’t work is ok. But instead of expressing each emotion without control like an unrestrained “Karen”, a healthy leader should process their thoughts for their own good and the good of those they lead.
Leading with Heart
The reason it’s hard to figure out how to be emotionally honest is because it requires balance. You can’t just feel warm fuzzy emotions, you also need to pay attention to the information from the yucky ones. You can’t only be aware of your own needs, but must also be aware of others. You can’t sanitize yourself from all feelings, but you can’t explode and respond to every feeling either. With so many nuances it’s no wonder we feel that it’s impossible to find the right balance.
But, like with anything, we can make progress as we practice. Your leadership doesn’t need to be perfect. With some emotional awareness our actions can make a scared camper feel valued, can give a discouraged general confidence to keep going or make it safe for your team to be honest about their emotions when they follow your lead. It’s your heart that sets you apart as a leader.