How to Turn Work Friends into Real Friends

For most of my life, I thought that my friends at work weren’t real friends. I assumed that because work forced us together, the comradery didn’t count. 

So, to make friends, I followed conventional wisdom and expanded my network. I joined a book club, went to community dinners, and volunteered. But instead of making friends, I felt alone, just now in a group and with a busy schedule. I didn't just want contacts or acquaintances; I wanted deep, real friendships. 

Every article and book I found agreed that friendships are important for health and happiness. But I didn’t need a study to tell me that friendships are important. The ache in my heart told me that. I needed to know how to make friends. 

I started to wonder if maybe the people I hung out with at work would be a good place to start. But that still left one question: how do you build deep friendships through work? 

Turn Rushing to Availability 

If you want to build friends, try saying, “Good morning.” 

At first glance, that seems either too obvious or too simple. However, research from John Gottman, explains that the quality of a relationship is determined by how many of the small opportunities for connection we respond to. 

I saw this firsthand while working at a resort. The first day the general manager walked past my desk without saying “hi”, it was no big deal. When he never even looked at me after six months, I felt invisible. One tiny neglected opportunity after another made it impossible to begin a relationship. 

Unfortunately, I often see the same preoccupation myself. When I’m trapped in small talk, my mind races with all the things on my to-do list. Instead of being present in the conversation I mentally adjust my schedule to accommodate for the lost time. Now, I’ve learned to enjoy the casual banter and build time into my schedule to check in with everyone before I even set foot in my office. Without spending time together, there is no way to build a friendship. Adjusting my schedule and expectations allows me to be open to those little opportunities to build friendships. 

Turn Time To Investment

Once I wanted a deeper relationship with my friend. She seemed busy though, so I didn't want to pester her asking to hang out. Later I found out that she wanted a deeper friendship but was also hanging back because she didn't want to bother me! We both lost out because we were too timid (and busy!). 

Alternately, the first time I met a new colleague, I invited him out to a cafe. I’m glad I didn’t wait because the “tea date” resulted in a beautiful friendship. 

This man turned out to be the most invested leader I’ve worked with. When he learned I like to read, he lent me books on fitness, camping, and religion. But I wasn’t the only one: at Christmas time, he brought fancy chocolates to each team and frequently went hiking with others on the team. His investment made everyone feel special and his kindness made everyone love having him around. 

Turn Talk to Vulnerability

“What was it like after the crash?” It had taken several tea dates with my friend from work, but now he was asking deeper questions than just what my favourite book was. 

Ever so slowly, I told him everything about a tragic bus crash at a tour company I had worked with a few months prior. I explained the mental anguish I experienced because I couldn’t protect my team better, my anger at the media coverage of the crash, and how I felt like I should be able to get over it more quickly because my role in the situation was so small. I told him things I had never told anyone. No one had ever asked before. 

Little by little, the trust we place in others and the trust they mirror back build friendship. Arthur Aron conducted a study where strangers asked each other a series of 36 increasingly vulnerable questions. After the intentional vulnerability, they rated knowing this newfound person as well as they knew longtime friends and even siblings. Now, this was in a lab setting. In life, vulnerability can still foster connection but it is a little more complicated.  

The way a question is phrased drastically affects the response and how the other person feels. When my friend asked an open question about my experience, I felt valued, safe, and finally able to get my thoughts out of my head. If he had asked a closed question, I probably would have deflected by giving a short “I’m ok” answer. 

My friend wisely waited to ask me such a personal question until we had time to go deeper and when we were in a comfortable, private place. After several tea dates and building trust in little things at work, we developed enough safety over time to be open. The vulnerability was scary and hard, but it’s also what brought connection and joy to our friendship. 

Turn Affection to Support

After my friend asked about the bus crash, he just listened. He didn't offer advice on recovery, try to top my story with his own experience, or tell me it would all be okay. The total acceptance and empathy allowed me to open up and start healing. 

Often I want to fix the problem, assure everyone that it will be ok, and move on. It makes me uncomfortable when someone else is in pain or discouraged. Listening seems so… insignificant. 

Yet, listening is often what we crave. Polyvagal theory explains when someone attunes to us by listening, empathizing, or just “being” with us, it actually helps us regulate our emotions and nervous system better. Listening and supporting others matters, even when it feels like it’s not enough. 

If you are uncomfortable with emotions or not sure how to co-regulate, you could simply ask the other person how you can support them and slowly build your skills from there. You can practice supporting others at work through little things like taking time to fill out reports correctly to save others time, asking how someone’s day is and waiting for the answer, or helping someone fix a problem. Instead of guessing what they need, listen to see if they want empathy, advice, practical support, a listening ear,  or encouragement and then respond accordingly.

Closing

According to a 2023 study, about a quarter of the North American population feels lonely. This number is even higher among young adults, whose lives tend to be more transient. However loneliness isn’t staved off by more friends but by deeper friendships, which are built through time and vulnerability. 

The friendships that blossom when two people are ready to commit time and share vulnerably are incredible. Maybe the people you spend time with, who share some of your interests and who understand the frustrations of your job that no one else gets, are a good place to start. With the right approach, your friends at work can become real friends.