Dear Leaders… Here is How to Develop Emotional Awareness
Dear Younger Duncan,
Funny how dreams shift, isn’t it? Do you remember the candle-making empire you wanted to build? You envisioned a network of collection sites to gather old wax and had plans for a mobile “factory” to make and store candles as you travelled between farmer's markets.
It shows growth that you’ve realized that this dream might not be profitable or practical. But the core of those dreams doesn’t need to die! Your hard work, enterprise, big visions and leadership can help others.
Seven years ago, I was exactly where you are. I was 20 years old, trying to figure out who I was, what I wanted to do, and how I wanted to live my life. In those seven years, I travelled, made friends, found mentors, lost friends, learned what was important to me, tried things that scared me and discovered so much about myself and the world.
One of the biggest things I had to learn was emotional intelligence. Yes, that sounds like becoming a weird, new-age life coach. That’s not what I’m going for. I’m going for the mentor who really listens to you, the speaker who isn't afraid to get emotional on stage, and the leader who acts with confidence.
If you’ll let me, I’d love to share some of what I’ve learned. Think of this letter as me pointing out where the trailheads are. I can’t tell you what every step of the trail will be like (I haven’t gotten to the end yet), but I can tell you where to start. If you start the journey and continue exploring where each new discovery leads, you can grow and become a great leader who impacts those around you.
~ ~ ~
Before we begin, you need to understand some basic brain science. Wait, what? I thought we were talking about emotions, not neurology… I get it. It’ll make sense, I promise.
The first concept to understand is neural plasticity. No, this doesn’t mean that your brain is made of plastic. It just means that your brain is changeable. Thoughts have a physical component: electricity travels down the nerves and synapses fire to carry the signal to the next nerve. The more often a specific neural pathway is travelled, the more efficient your brain gets at carrying the signal and the stronger the connection between the synapses becomes. It’s like how a trail gets well-worn and easy to travel when you use it, but overgrown when it’s not used very often. As you learn, grow, and try new things, you are literally changing the physical structure of your brain as neural pathways get stronger or weaker. Pretty cool, right?
OK, now on to our nervous system. For simplicity's sake, say we have two different control systems. We have the rational (or analytical) network which helps us with logical thinking, planning and such. Your ability to plan complex tournaments, adjust staffing on a busy day, and do trivia competitions are fueled by your strength in this area.
Your other network is the emotional (or limbic) side. The limbic system helps with learning, memory, emotional response, and processing of life events.
But here's the thing: you can only use one network at a time. So when your body feels threatened (it can be physical, emotional, real or imagined), the limbic system literally shuts down the analytical side. You can’t think properly.
When guests used to get mad at me, I would freeze up and just want to give them a discount to make them happy. I’d always kick myself after and feel like I should have handled the situation better. But now I know that I can’t make a good choice in the moment, so I buy myself time to calm down and think before I respond. I don’t need to be mad at myself, I just need to adjust how I work.
The core here is that emotions aren’t just airy-fairy feelings. There is a physical component as our brains change and limbic systems automatically respond to threats. Understanding this can adjust how you approach growth.
~ ~ ~
Maybe you’re thinking, “Cool, but HOW do I develop these skills?” You want specifics. I hear you. Instead of giving you some vague “be more thoughtful” advice, I’m going to give you actionable ideas. Thankfully, and ironically, you can start with some of the analytical skills you are good at.
Read: Start with reading other people’s thoughts. This will help you see things from someone else’s perspective and can change how you think. Start with Brene Brown, Justin Baldoni, Malcolm Gladwell and Lysa Terkerust. On a practical side, you will learn a ton, not just about emotions but also about life. And even more, reading is a great way to let your mind meander (which we’ll come back to later).
Study: When you’re ready to dive deeper, pull out your notebook and highlighters while you read. Study other people’s thoughts and perspectives. When you study, it’s an intentional effort to learn and apply something. Reading, taking notes, watching TED Talks and listening to podcasts make lessons stick more because of the effort you put in.
Find guides: In the winter of 2021, I asked myself “If I was in charge of making sure Duncan grew and had a great life, what would I do?” This third-person approach helped me think outside of the box. Anyways, you know what I wrote? “I’d get Duncan counselling.” I was doing OK, but felt like I’d hit a wall and didn’t know how to keep growing. If you get lost on a trail, chances are that the things you've done up until now contributed to getting lost. To get unlost, you need to either check your map or ask for directions. So when I was lost, I found a guide.
Guides can be many things: they could be professional therapists, mature mentors, trusted friends, authors, or teachers. You can only grow and learn where you know you need to. But a guide can show you and challenge you in ways that you can’t by yourself.
~ ~ ~
As I said at the beginning, I don’t want to act like a self-important guru who thinks that deep breathing and stretches will fix everything. But as I grew, I had to try some ideas that pushed the boundary of what was normal for me. Ultimately, the biggest success has been surprisingly simple: self-reflection. This can come in many forms (none of which have involved sitting with my legs crossed humming, but some have included laying on the lawn).
Journaling: I used to think that a journal was a chronological recap of my day. How boring! But during an intense season of life I was writing multipage letters to a mentor several times a week. I had so many important things I needed him to understand about me. I didn’t even have the awareness to realize that this overflow of emotions and thoughts was a form of processing, much less how to process well by myself. My mentor advised me to journal and get my thoughts out that way. At first, it was awful. But as I practiced, it has become a powerful way for me to process and reflect.
You can write about something you’re excited about or what confuses you, use it as a place to plan your week, rethink your goals or even write letters that you never send. Just get the thoughts out. It will clear your head and make your thoughts and feelings less nebulous.
Slow Down: How can you find time to think in our busy world? You can’t. So you need to make the world less busy…
Get off tech.
Use filters to reduce screen time.
Find solitude.
Go on long runs.
Delete Facebook.
Take trips by yourself.
Just allowing your brain time to wander is so helpful to naturally deal with emotions and distressing thoughts.
Time Travel: Okay, fine, you can’t time travel. But at the core, what is time traveling? It’s a chance to learn from the past and change the future… Once a week, I make a tea date with myself, walk to a cafe, think about my past week and the future week, adjust my schedule and journal about life overall. It’s a nice little reset. On a grander scale, when I finish one journal and start another, I generally use that chance to review the past season and make quick notes in the new journal for some course corrections. Don’t just let life go by, learn from it and live intentionally.
Feel It: Now, here is the hard one: do a feelings check-in. It may seem weird at first. Remember, the more you travel the specific neural path, the easier it gets. “Ok, and how do I do a ‘feelings check-in’?” Aww, bud, I’m so glad you asked!
Find a feelings wheel. This breaks emotions down into dozens of specifics and groups them together into categories.
Take a minute to identify what feelings you are experiencing.
Set a timer for 1 minute and just feel it. Follow any thoughts that come up if you like, or just focus on the feeling.
Journal about it.
Go for a run. (Ice cream is optional but highly recommended).
Feelings are just information. Be curious about why these feelings may be coming up instead of judging or rationalizing them away. You don’t need to, and can’t, out-think emotions. As you practice, your emotions will get easier and easier to identify, which will help you respond better to stressful situations.
~ ~ ~
No one likes hiking when it’s tough. But sometimes, we push through because we know that we’ll feel proud of our accomplishments and enjoy the view at the end. This is true with building your emotional pathways also. While it’s hard, it’s no fun. But once we build a foundation and actually start enjoying improved relationships and integrating emotional awareness into our lives, we can enjoy the benefits.
Make Friends: Relationships are terrible things. Truly awful. They bring up all sorts of yucky feelings and insecurities. But that makes for great practice and self-reflection as you evaluate why you may feel what you do. Hmm, why is it so painful when my friend doesn’t text back? Oh, you don’t have critical thoughts running through your head? Everyone has different triggers, and those rough edges will rub up against each other, which is what makes relationships difficult.
Build Community: C.S. Lewis says each person brings something different out of each other. A community is where everyone can shine because the fullness of each person is being drawn out by the variety of others they are interacting with. Last week, I asked for some advice on how to handle a situation from a group of guys I know. Everyone had something different to say which not just helped me calm down but also gave me some insight into why this situation was so distressing.
Listen to Others: It doesn't matter if it’s an angry guest, a frustrated team member or collaborating with a peer. Truly listening is very rare and so needed. I use this all the time at work. Instead of assuming I know all the answers, listening to understand the other person helps me learn and improves our relationship.
Get Feedback: As you grow, there may be missteps. Are you asking insightful questions or being an annoyance? Are you acting with emotional awareness where it’s safe, or creating a hyper-charged environment where people feel compelled to be emotional to fit in?
There’s a Japanese method of inquiry where you ask “why” six times to understand the root of an issue. I tried this in a meeting with a boss/friend. It did not go well! He thought I was being annoying and antagonistic instead of really trying to understand. Good to know! Feedback can come from positive or negative outcomes, trusted friends, honest team members, or seeking out others’ thoughts.
I can’t give you all the answers. There are so many tips, ideas, and authors that I haven’t included. But, you’ve got a place to start. Growing emotionally isn’t easy. Growing and trying new things may increase anxiety for a time. It may cause relationships you value to disappear as you change. It may make you question if you’re too emotional at work. But it can also give you greater confidence, greater alignment with your values, grounded confidence, the ability to shake off perfectionism and help you lead. The choice is always yours.
With Fondness,
Duncan-further-down-the-trail