Why Self-Help Isn’t The Answer For Leaders
After more than a decade of work, I finally had my dream job. I was second in command at the most iconic hotel in the province. It was my chance to shape our service, organize the operations, and set the stage for success.
But I just couldn’t get one department working well. Thankfully, I had been researching self-help, productivity, and leadership for years. Experience in multiple hotels combined with the best scientifically proven methods meant I was perfectly suited to fix this department.
Imagine my frustration when method after method, and idea after idea failed. Habits didn’t stick. Rewards became expected rather than motivating. Proven concepts of efficiency were rejected because the team “didn’t want to do it that way.” It was too much. I had more experience than any of them and had spent years researching and practicing in a dozen hotels for goodness sake! In the heat of the moment, I snipped, “I don’t care what you want. I care what works.”.
As soon as those words came from my mouth with that biting tone, I felt horrible. I wanted to be a good, kind, encouraging, thoughtful leader, and this harshness was totally the opposite. Where did this come from? Why weren’t practices, tools and advice working?!
Slowly, I learned that my work wasn’t enough. I couldn’t just focus on fixing the phrasing, researching the perfect ways to launch an idea, or reading another inspirational post on LinkedIn. In order to fix what was bubbling out of me, I had to go beyond the surface symptoms and do some deeper work. I had to develop who I was to be a good leader.
Develop Emotional Intelligence
Going back to my early career as a young supervisor, I thought a good leader knew how to direct staff to get things done. So I studied every time management principle I could find. I learned how to create artificial urgency with the Pomodoro technique, how to block distractions with deep work and how to create routines, habits, task lists and prioritization to keep everything running.
Like an air traffic controller, I had an innate ability to understand urgency and find the most efficient way to get it all done. On one particular day, after several people called in sick, I remember juggling tasks to survive with the remaining skeleton crew. The plan formed almost instantly in my mind.
We’d sweep through the hotel from one end to the other. This prevented wasting time moving helter-skelter among scattered rooms.
The east wing had more rooms ready for cleaning, so we’d start there, and by the time we finished, other rooms would be ready.
We’d share carts and work on adjacent rooms to save time running for supplies.
One person would collect the linens to ensure that they could be washed in time, and would save others from thinking about that deadline.
I briefed everyone and handed out radios. “We don’t have time to waste, so don’t get anything from the storeroom yourself. We’ll have one designated runner.” As the day progressed, it felt like herding cats. Someone was always grabbing a roll of toilet paper from the storeroom or working on a room too far from the cart. Couldn’t they see how much time they are wasting?! But mission accomplished, we got done in time. I was a good leader who always had a plan.
After a season of running such a tight ship, eventually, my team got fed up. When a lack of communication between me and the team caused a blowup, I realized I had to do more than just get the job done.
I started paying attention not merely to what worked, but also to how I made others feel. Then, I researched how emotions work and what safety, vulnerability and attunement are. Learning. Practicing. Feeling. Reflecting. Repeat. This was new territory for me and was hard work.
A few years later, I could see that developing the deeper part of me was paying off. Team members asked to transfer to my department because of how inclusive and relaxed we were. Instead of getting frustrated when they didn’t get my hints, I was able to have honest conversations with my team. Eventually, I was even put into a position where my job was to solve guests' complaints. Day after day, I spent hours getting yelled at by guests who were angry about some slip-up. Time after time, I saw how people just wanted to know that someone cared. One guest went from calling me names and sticking her tongue out at me to becoming a friend who reaches out every time she is in the area. Knowing how to read others and attune to their emotions helped me be a better leader than any air traffic control time management hacks ever could.
Quick Takeaways:
Doing the job is not enough; eventually, how you do the job will catch up with you.
Emotional Intelligence affects every part of a leader’s role.
People want to be seen and heard. Leaders have an amazing opportunity to positively impact other’s lives by attuning to their emotions.
Develop it Yourself:
Read/learn from books and experts.
Practice recognizing your own feelings.
Build your emotional intelligence by using it, even when you’re uncomfortable.
Develop Reflection
As a supervisor, people were always amazed at how much I could get done. I was great at multitasking, knew how to be efficient and could keep up a breakneck pace all day. But as the senior leader of a resort, even working 16 hour days left me feeling like I was just spinning my wheels. Somehow, the time management tricks and pace that had served me for years just weren’t cutting it anymore.
Then, I started training for a marathon. Out on the trail, I had time to think about what was going on and a million ideas to improve things at work. It felt like a breath of fresh air.
With new inspiration, I experimented with other methods of reflection. Instead of working straight through, I stopped for snacks and lunch. I took a bathroom break if I felt stuck. I journaled a recap after work and went to a cafe every week for deeper reflection. I had to work at it because it felt wrong, like I was being lazy or weak. But the 1-minute walks to the bathroom were where I found the solution to the problem, the long runs were where I planned how to change negative aspects of our culture and sitting with my journal and a cup of tea was where I evaluated how I showed up that day and how I could improve tomorrow. Learning to be reflective helped me lead instead of just doing everything myself.
Quick Takeaways:
When leaders work too much, there is no time to think or improve.
For a healthy life, leaders need to balance effective work practices with time to think.
Maintaining reflection helps leaders make a lasting impact and demonstrate sustainable work.
Develop it Yourself:
Take a lunch break. Go sit on a bench or something, but get out of the office and away from your work zone.
Do some “work journaling” at the end of the day.
Set habits of reflection and leisure. Go to a cafe on Saturdays, go for runs and hikes, play golf, and explore with your family.
Take micro-breaks. Just stepping away for a few minutes can allow your subconscious to find solutions and inspiration.
Develop Confidence
My career journey feels a little unconventional. My “gap year” job eventually turned into helping lead a fledgling hotel that was making waves on the boutique travel stage. I hadn’t been to hospitality or business school and felt so out of place!
To make up for this, I worked harder than anyone else and read every book on leadership I could find. I remember reading about a navy vessel where the “leaders eat last” and so I made sure to always let others in front of me in the line.
My hard work and some great opportunities eventually got me a position as second in command of a well-known, upscale hotel. Yet I suffered panic attacks almost every night, worrying that people would realize what an imposter I was. At times, I could be arrogant, highlighting all I knew or always trying to come up with the right answers. I was leading a hotel (and doing a really good job)! But something deep in me still felt inadequate.
Working harder wasn’t helping, so I started counselling. As we worked through sources of shame, insecurity, and lies that rampaged my mind, those feelings of inadequacy eased. As that happened, I was able to listen to others more without feeling compelled to demonstrate my knowledge and skills. I started sharing my anxiety with close friends which helped normalize it and broke some of its power. I bravely asked trusted leaders for feedback and was able to hold both my amazing performance and their thoughts about where I needed to grow. Knowing their honest thoughts helped me settle into my performance rather than working to be good enough. Ironically, working harder and trying to have the answers made me a fake and worse leader, but working on myself and stopping trying so hard made me a better leader.
Quick Takeaways:
If we aren’t confident or secure, we may act out by overperforming, showing off, putting others down, or inflating ourselves.
Lacking confidence affects how safe we feel to be our full selves or be vulnerable.
We don’t feel confident when we are pretending to be someone else.
Develop it Yourself:
Ask other leaders or people you admire if they feel imposter syndrome. Learning that people you admire also suffer from imposter syndrome can help normalize it and give you the courage to fight through it.
Ask for specific feedback on your performance so you don’t need to guess.
Be the best version of you and stick to your values.
Real Leadership is Who You Are
Being a leader is more than just reading books, articles and inspiring posts about all the traits of a good leader. It’s more than even practicing those skills. It’s more than coaching your teams on those skills.
A leader’s job is to guide, coach, encourage, and help their team develop to be their best. But we can’t help our team resolve conflict if we are emotionally immature. We can’t help our team have confidence if we are so insecure that we a seeking approval and accolades ourselves. We can’t help our team create inspiring ideas if we don’t model thoughtful reflection. Leaders have to develop, grow and mature so they can lead their teams, families and groups to also grow and develop as healthy people.