Ditch Unhealthy Coping
When I first learned to drive, I hated passing other vehicles. The wide country roads near our acreage had plenty of space to pass, but I was terrified to see another vehicle coming toward me. To cope with this fear, I pulled onto the shoulder.
Many other situations in life also cause an emotional reaction.
Your friend calls so you feel happy.
You check your bank statement and feel worried.
You get hurt when someone misunderstands your intent.
You book tickets and feel excited about an event.
You feel lonely when you miss the game night.
The added complexity of leading a team or family can add additional stressors with more uncomfortable emotions. Learning a new role may be awkward. Perhaps it’s really busy and you feel anxious. Maybe your boss critiques you and you feel angry or disappointed.
Life and leadership are filled with situations that cause an emotional response, good and bad. Coping is when we distance ourselves to alleviate the feeling. When I was driving, veering into the ditch made me feel better, but it was immature and dangerous. Some of our coping patterns are equally unhealthy for us and those we engage with. By recognizing our coping and learning to improve we can live and lead more fulfilling lives.
The Ditches
The Ditch of Performance
One really effective way to alleviate uncomfortable emotions is to get busy. If we feel lonely or bored, we can take our mind off it with housework. If we feel underqualified for a big project, we can mask that by working on something we are good at. Performance is a preoccupation so we don’t need to think about uncomfortable feelings. However, as time goes on, our choice to cope with performance catches up to us.
It is exhausting to continually chase away discomfort through work.
Leaders who use work to escape will stretch themselves and their teams very thin.
Each project or goal only lasts until we accomplish it, then we need another. This is a recipe for dissatisfaction and burnout.
To avoid burnout and busy-work, we need to learn to escape this cycle of distraction.
The Ditch of Numbing
I have been guilty of swerving so hard (in both life and driving) that I end up in the opposite ditch. Once, in an effort to resist performance, I wrapped myself in a blanket and watched movies all week. Watching movies, browsing social media and avoiding work is not rest, it’s numbing. Distraction makes us forget our discomfort, but the situations and emotions aren’t being dealt with.
A disengaged leader allows their team to slack off.
Pampering our bodies with “self-care” but neglecting our emotions is unhealthy.
Social media gives us dopamine which feels good and can create an addictive cycle.
Distraction, either through preoccupation or numbing, helps us feel better temporarily but doesn’t build tolerance, resilience or a healthy life.
The Road
We can use four strategies to improve our response to situations and emotions in our lives.
Be Aware
At first, pulling onto the shoulder seemed like a good way to distance myself from a potentially dangerous situation. As I matured, I realized this was actually quite dangerous and learned a better way to drive. A few strategies can help us develop more awareness in our emotions lives also.
The Feelings Wheel can help us identify our emotions.
Sometimes reading about others’ lives or leadership is helpful because we see principles better in others. Start with Brene Brown or Lysa TerKeurst.
Journaling or writing can help us clarify our thoughts. Journals also serve as a record of growth.
Friends and wise mentors can give feedback on patterns they see in us. They also give an example to learn from.
Professionals in counselling or therapy can help us understand ourselves.
Research Polyvagal theory to gain insight into different coping patterns
Tolerate Discomfort
Dealing with emotions instead of distracting ourselves is by definition uncomfortable. Learning new things can make us feel inadequate or awkward which increases our discomfort. To take small steps in emotional awareness and tolerating discomfort, my counsellor suggests a simple process.
Identify your feelings with the feelings wheel.
Allow the feeling for just five minutes. Don’t analyze or push the feelings away. Set a timer and just feel the emotion.
Ground yourself once your timer rings. You can use this sensory grounding technique, box breathing or whatever you find effective.
Write out your thoughts. This helps you capture any insights for later. It also forces any lies or worries to show up on paper.
3. Act Appropriately
Sometimes we can take time to process our emotions. Other times we need to react in the moment. Once there was a terrible storm at a hotel I worked at. The storm threatened our hot water, compromised our heating and flooded the hotel and staff dorms. My reaction to a similar, though less severe, storm the year before had been to slide into performance. I worked a 16-hour day and kept myself busy shuffling buckets of water and rechecking rooms. This time I involved my team as much as I could and focused on finding a solution for our dorms. I was uncomfortable wondering what everyone thought of me in the crisis. Do they think I am lazy for not mopping up the water? But I had to take appropriate action despite my feelings to ensure that my team had a place to sleep when everything calmed down.
Maybe your usual response is to ignore conflict on your team. The perfect response may be to have a 20-minute talk following a specific template. But that feels unnatural to you and you worry that the team will think you’re a weird hippy-leader which increases your anxiety. Instead, maybe you can have a casual conversation to understand the problem. As we mature, we should act more appropriately in each situation despite the uncomfortable emotions and thoughts.
4. Complete the Cycle
I did the right thing during the storm. But the next day there was still a soggy basement and wet wood to dry out. The process took time. So do our emotions. Research by Amelia and Emily Nagoski shows that emotions aren’t just “airy-fairy feelings” but are “neurological events” in our brain and body. To lead healthy lives, it is crucial to deal with the emotions in our body, not just the situation that caused it. The Nagoski twins suggest seven things to help our body recover from the neurological events we experience.
Physical activity like walking, running, a workout or even gardening.
Breathing to regulate your nervous system. Try box breathing.
Positive social interactions tell our bodies that we are safe.
Laughter to release endorphins.
Affection: Try a 20 second hug.
Crying is a natural way our body self-soothes and releases endorphins
Creative expression: See how Jeremy Cowart used creative expression to help survivors of the Rwanda Genocide heal and reconcile.
The Journey of Improvement
My family used to call me a “granny driver” because I was so slow and cautious. Now they tease me about how fast I take the tight turns on the narrow mountain roads. I had to face my fears, allow a little discomfort and work to become better.
Many of us didn’t learn about coping or emotions growing up. Without knowing it, we developed a strategy that worked for us. We are amazingly resourceful! For a time, I was proud to work harder than the Energiser Bunny. But then the exhaustion, worn nerves and frustration caught up with me. Now, after many situations that caused intense emotions - a flash flood, a tragic bus crash, accepting a daunting position and resigning from a job I loved - I am proud of my response. Instead of working my butt off or hiding under a blanket, I cared for my team, I helped out where needed and did my best. Even though it’s scary, driving on the road is much better than the ditch.